I am at a phase in my life where I should be content with the direction my life has taken. I’m young and in college. These four years are supposed to be the best years of my life (or so I’ve heard). But this past year has only been a wake-up call. I am miserable, alone, depressed, and desperate for someone to love me back. I thought that when I moved to college things were going to change. I was going to find the lifelong friendships I’ve never had and always wanted. I was going to meet the love of my life and have a great relationship. I was going to go out on the weekends and have the greatest time of my life dancing on tables and taking body shots. Instead, I met friends I can’t always trust. They’re terrific people but they’re not the friends I was looking for. I guess in part it is my fault; I use them as a self-defense mechanism in this new country I threw myself into. I don’t feel comfortable around them all the time and sometimes I just want to shove something down they’re throats.
Maybe I’m just a loner; maybe that’s just me. I’d rather stay in watching movies and reading books than going out to clubs to drink and do drugs. But I’m a hypocrite now because that’s exactly what I do. I got caught up in the flow. I detest when I do either, but people like me when I’m under some sort of influence. I make them laugh, but I’m not myself. But they like me more.
I do a lot of things to make people like me. Most of them I regret. I hook-up with guys I like and let them do things to me because I think that that way they’ll like me more. Might possibly even love me. That’s all I want. Someone to love me.
But I realized that unless I love myself first, I can’t love anybody else. I’ll be insecure and jealous, uncertain and lost. Right now, I detest myself. I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted at the sight of me. So if I’m disgusted with myself, how do other people see me? Do they see me as the strong, confident, intelligent young woman I try to be? Or do they see me as the lost little girl looking for someone to lead her to to the right path? I hope the latter because I need someone to save me.
